Lola running her sex ed show in NYC

Lola
Hometown  South Carolina

Place of Residence Brooklyn, NY

Occupation Sex Educator

Lola lives in Brooklyn, NY.  She describes herself as polyamorous.  She has been married to an amazing man for almost 9 years(together for 14).  

Lola: Most of my twenties was spent being monogamous. He [my husband] is amazing. That’s our little home pod, just the two of us right now. Then we have a poly family, which is his girlfriend and her husband and their two kids. They live in Maryland so we get to see them quite often. I don’t have a sexual relationship with them right now, it’s more just love, romantic feels, family type bonds. Which is lovely, I love spending time with them.

Lola snuggling with Ruby and Victoria

Lola:  I wish it was easier to connect with people. I struggle with finding people to date. I feel like when you go out there, it’s either couples – I’ve never had a problem with couples but couples are tricky because you’re the lone wolf coming into a situation and they have their own reasons for looking for a third. A lot of the time you kind of feel like you’re being used to satisfy needs, but they’re not really truly interested in taking care of your needs or satisfying your needs. I found that a lot, and it’s not true for all couples, but I find that more and more often that’s what tends to happen. It sucks to feel disposable, which tends to happen with couples. I’ve heard that happen with other people too.

Lola spends time with Three Piece when they are both in the same city

Lola spends time with Three Piece when they are both in the same city

In bed with Ruby and Victoria

Lola:  I don’t like that polyamory is such a buzz word right now that, if you go on a dating site and you try to be honest, and I’m not using polyamory to try to pull in sexual relations or whatever. I’m saying it so you understand my life situation. I’m trying to be honest that I’m married and this is what’s going on, and I’m informing you of that by using this word. What it brings in is people that say, “Well do I get to sleep with all of your people?” And it’s like, “No. I don’t know, we’re just saying hello. Why is that even the question that you’re asking?

Lola enjoys painting her sweeties nails

Lola:  I have light skinned privilege, so I tend to travel through spaces a lot easier than a darker skinned people of color. And I know that. It makes me very hyper-aware also how people relate to me. It makes me very – I am not your mascot, or your token black girl. It’s almost seems like people go, “Oh yeah, I’ve never slept with a black girl before,” and I’m like, “I don’t want to hear that. “I’m not a stamp on your sexual passport,” and that’s how people make you feel. I feel like people aren’t on their best behaviour when you’re a lighter skinned black person because they almost feel they can get away from things, or like you won’t care as much because maybe you’re not as black or your mindset is different because you have lighter skin.

And just because it’s notorious that poly spaces, queer spaces are very white, a lot of POC [People of Color] people don’t want to go because they don’t want to be the only person of color at a party. They don’t want to be just the one, so they are usually seeking out POC parties because they want to feel comfortable, they don’t want to be fetishized, they don’t want to be like the BBC. Not everyone wants to do that, so I feel like a lot of people shy away.

Lola in West Virginia at Sex Geek Summer Camp

Lola:  If you are an ally and you’re looking at an event and you go, “there are no POCs, there are no trans folk, there are no queer folk, there’s nothing. I can’t attend this.” So if you stop going, you hit them where their money is, you hit them in their wallet.  They’re not going to make changes if they’re still making money because they don’t feel they need to.

Going up to these people and saying, “Hey, I’ve been attending your parties for years. You’re not very diverse. I still want to come back, but I feel you need to do something.” If it’s one person, maybe they don’t do it., but if more and more people step up and say, “this bothers us. This bothers us non-queer, non-trans, non-POC people.” That’s where the change is made. It’s all these little steps behind the scenes and it also takes the people power.

Lola and her friend at the Brooklyn Mermaid Parade

Lola:  I’ve always been poly. I just didn’t know that’s what it was. In high school, I had multiple partners at one time. If you would have asked me, and a friend reminded me of this, she was like, “Do you remember what you used to say?” That I never wanted to get married, I wanted to live in a house with a man and a woman and be happy, and just live in a big house together, and that was high school.

© Erika Kapin Photography

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