© Erika Kapin Photography

The Rêve - Andy, Roo, Aida and Cal 

This page is in the process of being updated due to a trip to visit in early 2020!

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Andy, Cal, Roo and Aida at their hearth-warming commitment ceremony

Aida

Place of Residence: Boston and part time at The Rêve (near Poughkeepsie).

Occupation:  Therapist and consultant/speaker on topics around sexual health and alternative justice systems.


Andy
Place of Residence: The Rêve (near Poughkeepsie), and New York City.
Occupation: Queer and non-traditional family law.

 

Cal

Place of Residence: The Rêve (near Poughkeepsie).

Occupation: Outreach, education, and community building in the solar industry.

Roo

Place of Residence: The Rêve (near Poughkeepsie), and New York City.

Occupation:  Tech support for non-profits.

Aida, Andy, Cal and Roo are building an intentional family together.  In August 2019 they had their hearth-warming, commitment ceremony where they all committed to building life together and where Andy, Cal and Roo signed paperwork to own their new home together.  Sometimes they call each other a polycule, sometimes partners, sometimes sweeties, and sometimes the words they use are situational. 

Aida and Andy

Aida: We met in 2007 on a dyke LiveJournal community.  Andy was part of it first. And so, we just became online friends and eventually, in 2010, met in person.

Andy: Right. So we met at a Dunkin Doughnuts and had coffee for a half and hour. And then tornado-ed on by one another again.

Aida: We weren’t partners then, we were online friends. But as we were catching up it was like, “Oh! You’re into kink?  I’m into kink!” “I’m into this thing too…whaaat?”  So we had a little bit more conversation then.  And then started to be a little bit more in touch after meeting.

Andy cutting Cal's hair

Andy: While Roo and Cal were getting together, I was feeling all of this really uncharacteristic jealousy and fear.  And that’s not usually how I roll so I was like, “What the heck self? You’re in favor of this happening? How come all these bad feelings?”  And I was like, “But Cal’s just so cool and hot and amazing.  And they're all of these things that I wish that I could be but could never ever be.  So now Roo has the better version and doesn’t need me anymore.”

Cal: This is why I try to get to know people if they’re dating the person that I’m dating.  Because otherwise I could make up things about them and be all freaked out.  And if I’m like, “Oh it’s that person.  They’re nice! They’re not trying to annihilate every part of my life and happiness."  Then it’s like, OK cool.  They’re just a person.  And that’s what we did.  We’re like, “Cool let’s hang out.” Andy and I met up at…. someplace…

Andy: I was like, what I’m going to do is get to know Cal and learn that they’re not the embodiment of everything I fear but actually a human person that wears socks and eats tacos and is scared of stuff sometimes. 

So we were bros for like, 5 years. And then we were like, “No, we’re bros.  It’s not gay. We’re bros”.   And the we were like, “Oh heck, it’s gay.

Cal: Yep, that is what happened. That’s exactly what happened.  Everyone was like[singing], “I can see what’s happening.  And they don’t have a clue”. We were like, “It’s fine! There’s nothing gay... oh FUCK it’s gay!”

Roo

Andy making Challah

Roo: Andy spit an entire glass of water on my face the first time we hung out!  And I was like, “I’m not mad!  I must really like him.” And we started dating.

Andy: We basically have been together since.

Roo: Yea. That was 2010.

Andy and his mom lighting Shabbat candles with a gathering of dear friends

Cal and Andy

Cal:  I never wanted to get married.  Ever.  Even when I was small that was never what I wanted.  But I also didn’t want to live by myself.  And when I was 7, I used to get this magazine from probably the same people who make the PBS show, “3-2-1- Contact” which is an old science show for kids.  They made this magazine and there was an issue that talked about Earth Ships.  And they were these wild, built out of recycled or repurposed material, cool houses with grey water filtration and giant plants to filter the water!  And they were built out of tires packed with earth and plastered over sort of. They were these really cool natural homes.  And I just remember seeing them and going, “Holy crap!  I want to live in one of those!” So I was really excited about that.  And the idea of having an ecological design for a house, and having more people live in it, rather than living by myself of living with one person…that sort of was the long-term plan. Even if it wasn’t an active plan.

The thing that I wanted was a family.  And I didn’t want to get married or have children.  And it turns out, you can still have a family.  Even if you’re not getting married and having children. 

Aida

Cal

Tree planting during their hearthwarming ceremony

Andy: There is a feeling of liberation once you’ve decided that you don’t need to do the things you’ve been told you need to do. And it’s scary, because then you’re like, “Shit, I have to figure this out for myself.  I have to decide what I want to do.” And that also means there’s no map.  And it’s horrifying. And it makes other people who are still using the map react very poorly because they’re like, “Wait a minute.  I thought this map was mandatory.  What the fuck are you doing?”  Monogamous people, who live monogamously and it’s hard for them, they see polyamorous people and they’re like, “I’m doing this hard thing because I HAVE to. And if you don’t have to, then maybe I didn’t have to either.” And that hurts!  I get that.

Roo's sister braiding their hair

Chuppah

Andy

Andy:  It goes without saying that there is a queerness to the life that we’re building here.  And  that queerness is in an unbroken line to our queer ancestors. The way that we’re told that we’re “supposed” to live, queers have never lived that way.  And the conformity to that norm has never been something that serves as a functional load star for people like us.  The salaciousness of it, the weirdness of it, doesn’t apply here.  We are living in the way that our ancestors lived.  

There’s no news story in, “Oh the queers are living in their weird, queer little communes.”  Because obviously we’re doing that because, what else would we do?  Whereas, when straight people run off to communes it’s like, “Well they could have had Leave it to Beaver but instead they’re doing this other weird thing.  How could this be?!” 

So, our deviant nature prevents it from being as interesting when we deviate.  

On the property

Roo and Andy

Andy: I really like, so the situation that we have here, we’re trying to figure it out as we go.  My relationships with Roo and Aida and Cal are all romantic.  But not all of them have romantic relationships among themselves.  For me, getting to watch my partners who are not themselves partners, develop trust with each other and develop intimacy with each other, and be with each other with me, that’s a really good feeling.  You know what, it feels like it’s building that external stability, the lack of which leads you to try to control things.  You know what I mean?  Because I KNOW that it’s not all dependent on me. Because it’s a more stable structure with more people. And that’s really comforting. It feels really cozy.

At the campfire

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